Black Arm Band

Image: S. Braswell

Over the centuries, grieving customs have changed. It seems that along with the speeding up of everything else, we are expected to also do our grieving at warp speed.

The black armband, once de rigeur as a sign of mourning, is vanishing. It can still be seen on the arms of some Irish, German, Austrian and northern and central European Catholic groups.

As restrictive as some of the rules regarding mourning were, they at least allowed others to have an understanding of how the mourner was feeling and presumably, would cut them a bit of slack.

Have there been times in your life when you have not been at your best? Perhaps someone had recently died, or was critically ill and you were focusing on this rather than what you were doing. As a result, you may have been less than present and done or said something that others may have found heedless or heartless. However, if they had known your circumstances, which you probably wouldn't share with strangers, they may have chosen to show you some compassion.

Life is made of ups and downs. There are times when a series of downs seem to be strung together like so many burnt-out Christmas lights. When these events hit, performance is affected. Perhaps more mistakes are made, you have less patience or your temper is shorter.

When you have good emotional management techniques in your repertoire of daily living skills, they allow you to better handle not only the downs in your life, but the ups, as well. These skills help to keep you afloat in the ocean of life, where sometimes you are in the trough, other times you are on the crest of the wave or somewhere in between.

When you learn these techniques, you not only learn to undress your stress, but you also learn to augment your performance, for those times when you don't have any stress. Think of it as accruing interest - building resilience. That's something you can Bank on!

What to Do When You Don't Know What to Do

Image: Michel Meynsbrughen

Something unpleasant, unfortunate or horrific happens - an accident, a dire diagnosis, job loss or even a death of a friend or family member.

You feel awful, but rather than express it, you say and do nothing. One reason for your silence may be that you feel uncomfortable and just don't know what to say. Perhaps the situation has stressed you so much that it has caused cortical inhibition, freezing up your ability to adequately express how you feel.

How do you get around this?

Here are a few ideas for you to consider:

• A simple "I'm sorry," or "I'm sorry for your loss/pain/or whatever words fit."
• A hug.
• A touch on the arm.
• A card.
• Ask some leading questions and be prepared to just listen. The person may need to talk, cry, scream.
• Offer to do something practical - pick up some groceries, vacuum, share a meal.
• Balance your nervous system - start from a position of compassion.
• "Flashlight" the situation. When you turn on a flashlight, you typically look at where you focus the beam of light, not at your hand holding the flashlight. Put the focus on the other person, not on how awkward you may feel. This shift alone will do wonders - for both of you!

Your Body Speaks

This week began with a "Pop!" - and not in a good way, either! You can read about my misadventure on Not How I Planned to Spend My Monday.

I've been thinking (and chuckling) about how my arm shot straight up in the air just as the doctor was beginning to put my hip back into the socket with the Captain Morgan Technique (if you're squeamish, you may not want to view this video).

A raised arm, palm-outward hand is the Stop command I use with Holly. A dislocated hip is excruciatingly painful. If I wasn't yet fully sedated, it stands to reason that even though I couldn't speak, my body would go ahead and do it for me. I believe that by raising my hand, I was signalling that I wanted the doctor to stop.

I also think that this action epitomizes what a habit is. The unconscious performance of a behaviour. It's been practised so often that the body remembers what to do - consider it muscle memory. Think about riding a bicycle, swimming, driving a car; even simple activities such as brushing your teeth or tying your shoelaces. You perform all those actions without thought. In fact, you can do them while doing something else.

I also see this habit formation when I work with clients. When under stress, breathing becomes shallow. Repeat this often enough and this becomes the normal way to breathe. Instead of breathing using the diaphragm, they are using the muscles of the neck and chest. If you have tight shoulders and neck muscles, check how you are breathing. More importantly, learn some powerful stress undressing techniques and get back to breathing naturally, not normally. (You may like: Change the Channel; Tree of Life.)

Here are some questions for you to consider:

1. What is your body saying that you are unable to say? How?
2. Are there some habits that you wish to develop that you have not yet repeated often enough?
3. Which unwanted habits need reframing? Do you have strategies in place to fill the void of the unwanted habit?

About Dog Training, Stress and Me

Holly, our high-spirited, rambunctious rescued dog has been with us for a little over two years.

Although nothing can be confirmed, I suspect that she was mistreated. When she moved in, she:

• didn't know any commands
• wasn't house-trained
• was afraid of men
• didn't look at me
• lacked muscle definition
• was likely muzzled a great deal of time, judging by the funny imprints along her nose.

We've come a long way together. However, every so often, I have to go back to basic training with her. After all, she is a highly intelligent and stubborn girl, which is a challenging combination! :)

Call it what you like - back to basics, a refresher, habit reinforcement - it seems it's a vital practise for beings - both canine and human.

It's funny how a series of events can lead you astray and stop you from doing the very things that help you move through the agility course that is life.

What things have you stopped doing that allow you to live your life well? 

I had a pretty rough start to December. I realized that I wasn't doing my stress techniques nearly enough. (They don't take a lot of time, if that is of concern to you.) As a result, my perception of daily events had shifted, much like some out-of-focus image in a kaleidoscope. I've written partially about it on Quicksand of Feelings. Not only was I affected emotionally, but physically, as well, which I blogged about on Somewhat Out of Tune.

Learning to adjust your perspective is vital for emotional, mental and physical health. It increases resilience, enhances creativity, builds immunity, develops intuition and brings your life into focus.

Just like riding a bicycle, it didn't take me long to get back on track. I'm happy to say that the picture has now changed to one that is sharper, brighter and more in focus!

Image: Barbara Bar

Related Posts: 

• Unleash Good Habits
• Bruxism - The Grind of Stress
• Five Reasons for Hiring a Coach, Trainer, Teacher or Mentor
• That Little Voice - Intuition

New Year's - Looking Back

Image: Pedja Mi.

About a month ago, an eighty-three year old family member and I were discussing her most recent health issues.

"Whatever happens, I've had a good long life," she said. 

Sadly, those words were part of the last conversation I had with her. She passed away just before Christmas.

I've been thinking about what she said, ever since. 

You may think this is a strange way to begin a new year, but I hope that her words will inspire you, as they have me.

As 2012 stretches, awakens and gets up, can you say that you've had a good life? If you hesitate to answer in the affirmative, take heart, all is not lost. Each day is a gift for you to do something differently, to learn something new, or to simply enjoy and give thanks for what you have.

What small, incremental and consistent changes can you make to allow you to not only survive, but to thrive? 

To help you get clear, you may wish to check out last year's post: A Quick Year Planning Exercise - Stop! Start! Continue.... 

Health. Finances. Work. Relationships. Recreation. Look at each of these areas separately. Are you able to apply the "good life" statement to it? Perhaps only one area is causing you grief, but it casts shadows over the others, colouring your perspective. 

The good thing about perspective is that it can be changed. 

How? By learning and practising stress transformation techniques. These techniques bring about subtle, yet profound changes in many areas of your life.

It's never too late to change the course of your life. What would it feel like to be able to say, "I've had a good life,"?

I wish you a Happy New Year - one that is just right for you!

It's in the Spirit

Last week, on CBC's Passionate Eye, I had the pleasure of watching a documentary, Becoming Santa.

Jack Sanderson, a.k.a. Santa, even has a Twitter account. However, I think he may be far too busy at this time of year to be tweeting his Santa thoughts and impressions.

As the film rolls on, you witness him growing into his larger-than-life role. He is everything a Santa should be; not only in looks, but also in personality and persona.

This documentary is about more than the commercial frenzy that signifies this season. It's about honesty, the sharing of secrets and the wonder and kindness of a larger-than-life myth that represents hope and possibilities.

It is obvious that by the end of the film, Jack feels it, too.

However you are celebrating this holiday season, may it be one that is filled with safe travels, booming laughter and joyful memories. Merry Christmas!

Wish on stars 

 Take time for wonder 

Enjoy a beautiful, peaceful holiday season! 

~Author Unknown

Image: Ilco

Quicksand of Feelings

Image courtesy of mn-que

I was thrashing about in an emotional pit of quicksand. As I wildly kicked at feelings of depression, annoyance, frustration and hurt, I sank deeper into the sludge of negative emotions.

In September, I enthusiastically and whole-heartedly began a year-long blogging project. On A Rheumful of Tips, I share an assortment of tips, tricks, techniques and strategies that document how I've moved through thirty-four years of living life with rheumatoid arthritis.

By providing an intimate look at how I live with this disease, my goal is to inspire people to live their life well, in spite of a devastating diagnosis. 

It sounds good so far, right?

You see, I was getting mired by things over which I had little or no control. 

Before I go on, I'd like to share a definition of stress with which I like to work. Then, I'll explain how I used it as a "big stick" to help me move onto solid ground.

Stress is your interpretation of external events that causes internal distortion or strain. How you feel determines whether or not the stress response is triggered - a cascade of fourteen-hundred chemicals that flood your body, prepping it for flight, fight or freeze. By learning to treat the cause of your stress, not just the symptoms, you can transform our stress.

Problem

I was getting bogged down (internal strain) by my interpretation of what I thought should be happening with my blog by this point in time. My readership was something over which I had no control (an external event). 

Fortunately, I soon recognized that I was feeling disappointment. I was doing the best I could by sharing a part of my life that I don't typically discuss in such detail - three-hundred and sixty-five days worth of details! I was condensing thirty-four years of my life into one year. It seemed that my common-sense strategies for living with a disease that is debilitating wasn't of much interest to many people.

Hurt Solution
Quit! After all, I know these strategies, so why spend so much time blogging about them, if it doesn't matter?

Heart Solution
Undress my stress! I did a heart-based stress technique that helps to bring the nervous system back into balance. This then enabled me to make a better and more informed decision - one that was not made from the position of stress. In my case, the negative emotions I felt - disappointment, frustration, hurt - only contributed to more of the same. I was up to my neck in it!

I gained several insights from doing the technique: 

1. Continue on with A Rheumful of Tips because I am helping the readers I do have. 
2. It takes time to gain a readership.
3. Recognize that I am in over-care, which impacts the quality of my writing. 

Now, you may be thinking that these are common-sense solutions. Indeed they are! Remember, that stinkin' stress thinkin' often results in far-from-common-sense self-talk.

Your turn
Are you able to recall examples of when your stinkin' stress thinkin' caused you to sink even deeper in the pit of despair? What changed it for you?

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